not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
