if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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