I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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