also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
