ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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