Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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