He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
