my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
