I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Everclear isn't food dammit
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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