Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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