Cold hands, warm shart.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
