Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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