I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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