I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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