I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
we're so committed to being not committed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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