it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
