My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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