Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
