i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
