EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
