OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
