I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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