god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
