You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
