I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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