you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
