my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i will never coherently bang her
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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