I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Bring me that man meat
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
