Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
