just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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