just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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