I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
