He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
