she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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