I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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