I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
