Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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