Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
