see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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