She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
