I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
