So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
