I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
