I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
