apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
