I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
