She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.