3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them