When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"