Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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