i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
