woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
