Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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