I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
