Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sober January is a disaster.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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