Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
