Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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