Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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