she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
40s are totally the cure
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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