Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
