Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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