It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
