i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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