I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
