Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
